THE WOLFMAN

Even a man who is pure in heart
And says his prayers by night,
May become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms
and the autumn moon is bright…

What does the poem saying about praying men who are pure of heart getting their twelve bucks back?

THE WOLFMAN is a remake of the 1941 classic of the same name. We begin by watching an unseen monster ruthlessly kill a man in the woods. The man is Ben Talbot, and his death brings his brother Lawrence (Benicio del Toro) back home like the prodigal son. Lawrence needs to know how his brother dies, especially after seeing the eccentric state of his father John (Anthony Hopkins), and the sorrow of his Ben’s sister Gwen (Emily Blunt).

His search for the truth sends him to a gypsy camp, but moments before he can get answers, the camp is attacked (in pretty cool fashion actually) by a primarily unseen beast. In an act of bravery, Lawrence saves a child, and draws the beast – a werewolf -away. he is badly bitten on the neck, but ultimately survives thanks to the gypsies. However, before the bring him back to his father, they whisper among themselves about what they believe he will become.

Before long Lawrence is having nightmares, demanding Gwen leave for London, getting visited by a Scotland Yard inspector (Hugo Weaving), causing villagers to melt their silver spoons down into bullets, and getting an amazingly screwed up case of ‘father knows best’…all before the first full moon.

In case you didn’t know, this movie had been delayed like no tomorrow as the effects wizards tried to get the look of Wolfie just right. Well I don’t know if they just threw in the towel or ran out of funding, but fuzzy still doesn’t look that hot. It’s strange – nearly seventy years have gone by since Lon Chaney, and yet this wolfman doesn’t look too much more believable. Hell – the werewolves in NEW MOON looked better than this creature…who looked more like a hybrid of a gorilla and a sasquatch. Granted, I was pretty impressed by the CGI in the scene where John Lithgow drives him out to the forest and tough-loves him back to his home.
(Shit. Wrong movie.)

As if the effects weren’t crummy enough, we get a cast who all must be feeling the credit crunch, since almost all of them do little more than look sad, look bewildered, look like their constipated, or all of the above. Emily Blunt’s accent changes with the scene, which boggles the mind when one considers she’s a Brit for starters. And then there’s Anthony Hopkins doing his best Malcolm McDowell impression. I’m pretty darned sure this is his worst performance ever, and I’m the guy who saw INSTINCT. He’s subscribed to the Walken School of Ignoring Punctuation, but unlike Saint Christopher, he can’t pull it off. I must admit though, he was pretty chilling when Sigourney Weaver fights to protect the wolfman in his natural habitat.
(Shit. Wrong movie again.)

There’s some pretty darned good talent at work in THE WOLFMAN, but I have to believe that the highest paid of all of them was composer Danny Elfman. The only reason I can think of for his textbook scary-movie-score to be played so freakin’ loud all movie long is that it cost the filmmakers so much to get him to do it. It’s actually a pity, because despite how many jokes I’m making, THE WOLFMAN did have a few good scenes. Unfortunately, all the tension was removed from them by the furious strings coming from the score. I was especially distracted by the heavy handed cues when the wolfman climbs up the Empire State Building.
(Shit. I swear I’m not trying to do this.)

Perhaps the only good thing that could come of the silliness that is THE WOLFMAN, is that Hollywood might take it as a cue that movies that scared our grandparents are “ooga-boogas” from a bygone era, and just don’t adapt very well. Argue amongst yourselves on the merit of Coppola’s DRACULA and Brannagh’s FRANKENSTEIN, but for me this is the final nail. It gave me a laugh here and there, and did provide one especially good kill, but none of that was enough to change my mind that this movie is nothing but an immense waste of time and money. Not even seeing the soulmate-like relationship blossom between the wolfman and Charlize Theron.
(Dammit!)

Matineescore: ★ 1/2 out of ★ ★ ★ ★
What did you think? Please leave comments with your thoughts and reactions on THE WOLFMAN.