Ryan McNeilWeird lil’ moment for me this weekend. A guy named Lou Kije read my review on THE HAPPENING and actually posted a comment (still somewhat of a rarity for me). His comment was directed to his loathing of the movie and how I’d been too kind in my appraisal of it.
Lou actually hated the movie so much, that he’s started a blog in protest: TheNotHappening. In his comment, Lou tried to persuade me to join his cause of letting Hollywood know that such wastes of time and money won’t be tolerated and should be dearly re-thought.
Well Lou, I can’t say that THE HAPPENING garnered such a reaction in me, so I won’t be taking up arms in your cause. But your passion inspires me, and did get me to take a look back at moments in my cinematic life.
So in honour of Lou Kije, here are the movies that really got in my craw…the ones where I spent money and time I won’t be getting back…
#5. BLAIR WITCH PROJECT 2: BOOK OF SHADOWS (2000)… The lesson I learned here is not to buckle to pressure. If you really don’t want to see something, sometimes you have to have the stones to tell someone “Nope. Not happening. have fun and call me when it’s over”. This flick was absolutely dreadful. I was a fan of the original, and this lousy retread had none of its originality or eeriness. I would have ranked this higher, but the fact that Hollywood rushed it out with precious little money and star power behind it, lends it a sliver of forgiveness.
Total Loss: $10 + 90 minutes
#4. THE BREAK-UP (2006)… One thing that annoys the bejeezus out of me, is when every funny moment in a comedy is revealed in the two-minute trailer. Even more annoying than that? Getting lured into a comedy that really isn’t much of a comedy after all. I know enough dysfunctional couples: if I wanted to watch two people bitterly argue for kicks, I can do it without Vince and Jen’s help. While we’re on the subject, can we put an embargo on movies starring a new Hollywood couple? They never seem to have the sort of chemistry that Access Hollywood would have us believe they do.
Total Loss: $13 + 105 minutes
#3. THE GRINCH (2000)… Not even one month after BLAIR WITCH 2, I was treated to another huge disappointment. I grew up with this story, and the Chuck Jones animated special that played on TV every Christmas. So imagine my dismay when I watched a film that sucked every morsel of charm out of the story I’d grown to know and love. Instead, I watched Jim Carrey in what I still think was his hammiest role ever. I was really looking forward to seeing all those cool gizmos and gadgets that The Whos had (who-hubas, tartookas, who-hoppers) but sadly they were nowhere to be seen. thanks for nothing Opie.
#2. AUSTIN POWERS: GOLDMEMBER (2002)… I’m going to make this one short sweet and to the point. AUSTIN POWERS – saw it in a theatre, laughed a lot, went home happy. AUSTIN POWERS 2 – saw it in a theatre, smiled at the old jokes, laughed at the new jokes, went home amused. By the time this one came around, I was back in a theatre smiling weakly at the old jokes, waiting in vain for the new jokes, and wondering how much longer I’d have to sit there to go home and be happy.
#1. STARSKY & HUTCH (2004)… Easily summed up best by a scene in Ricky Gervais’ TV show “Extras” (which if you haven’t seen I highly recommend:
How’s about you? Leave a comment and tell me your choices for movies that ripped you off. Likewise, feel free to leave suggestions for next week’s top five.
Wow, you’ve hit the nail right in the coffin with this one… Saw Blair Witch 2, Goldmember & Starsky & Hutch in the theater as well and will agree with your points 100% (and loved Gervias take on the Ben Stiller atrocity).
I will have raise you one viewing of – Night at the Roxbury.
So, back before cell phones – my friends and I decided to meet at the local one screen cinema. Two of us showed up and noticed that Roxbury was playing – and decided we were going to wait until our other friend showed to decide what to do next. He didn’t show. Worried that he’d come in looking for us – we decided to spend the $2 and wait for him. We sat in our usual spot in the balcony – and he never showed. So, afterwards we headed to the diner we all hung out at – and there he was. We told him “we just watched what could possibly be the worst movie ever made” – and he said, “it couldn’t be worse than the crap he just watched” – and it turned out he was sitting downstairs looking for us. It was tragic… And we agreed that we’d never speak of those occurrences again – and when more of our friends showed up at the diner and asked what was up – we told them we were at the diner the whole night.
I’m glad I was able to get that off my chest – now maybe the healing can begin…
Oh, can I add Alien Resurrection to the list? Never laughed so hard at a movie that wasn’t trying to be funny in my life (excluding MST3K of course). I laughed so hard I started to gag – and nearly threw up…
I liked The Break-Up because so many people didn’t like it. When they *SPOILERS* don’t end up together *SPOILERS* I thought that was a great ending. Also, great Old 97’s cameo…uh, does that count as a cameo?
Ones that really screwed me out of my money were:
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. – I HATED it so much I almost left the theatre to just walk home. In hindsight, I probably should have.
Doomsday – Luckily, there was enough to laugh AT that I made it through. I LOVE The Descent, but this one was just rough.
TMNT – What a disappointment compared to the show I grew up with. At least they had pupils.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot about The Old 97s cameo!!
That’s *almost* enough to make me reconsider….but still doesn’t make up for making me sit through arguments I’d leave the room during if I was in the room with these people.
Had I paid to see any of the ones on your list though…
Sir,
Thank you for your posting. Even if you don’t have the ability to see pure unadulterated bad when you see it, you do know the concept.
And hey, if anyone will honor me with a list of their own, there’s no way my ego’s tiny enough to not accept it.
Before I give you my five worst, I’ll get you a dishonorable mention:
Bis ans Ende der Welt (1991)
(“Until the End of the World”)
Red flags should go up when you see the name Wim Wenders attached to it. The neo-Germans are extremely hit-and-miss and, both collectively and as individuals, have the ability to make movie that your ass will resent it for a week.
The underlying concept is great. What will the future be like in ten years? Not as easy to peg as you might think. (One of those things that’s very easy to poke holes at when you see it, but would be nearly impossible for you to accurately [or even reasonably] describe yourself.)
So they collected all the popular musicians of the time (U2, REM, et al), told them general film concepts, and then asked them to record a song like they think their music would sound like in ten years. And in the process, create one of the greatest non-score film soundtracks of the 20th century.
The movie starts off brilliantly and fast. It moves right along and has very intriguing color, sound, concepts and vision.
And then, like a space shuttle that’s still within vision, suddenly explodes in stupidity that’s stunning. You sit there and think am I really seeing this happen?
Why, yes, you are, thanks for asking.
So it has its own special little category in this world. It’s one-half the best movie of all time and one-half the worst movie of all time.
My advice? See it. As soon as they get to the desert, turn it off.
And ignore the movie truffle eaters who say idiocy such as “make sure to see the four hour and forty minute version.” That’s like saying, “hey if you hit your hand with a hammer when you’re framing a house, the way to cure it is to follow-up by hitting your leg as hard as you possibly can.”
Now the list, in rough reverse order:
5. Penn & Teller Get Killed (1989)
The tagline is, “What more do you want?”
I can think of one thing: how about a good movie? Horrible acting, terrible plot line and (stupid)^(stupid) [that would be read as “stupid to the stupid power”].
Travesty. And from the greatest living magicians.
4. Deadly Weapons
(1974)
A grindhouse classic, it features, get this: Chesty Morgan as Crystal playing Zsa Zsa. Get it? Of course you don’t. And that’s just the start.
The tagline: Seeing is Believing! 73-32-36!
Don’t get target fixation here. The number you should be keying in on here is “32.”It’s the film that made me prefer women with small chests. I kid you not.
(IMDB actually has the full grindhouse trailer up. Far more entertaining than the real picture.)
3. Motel Hell (1980)
Another grindhouse flick, this one at the start of the video cassette revolution (when they were still called “VTRs” instead of “VCRs”). All you need to know is the poster has a guy in overalls wearing a pig mask and carrying a chainsaw.
This got heavy rotation in the early days of Showtime. We’d put it on, turn off the sound, and listen to Devo records. When you do that, it’s not bad — best, I’d say, with the “New Traditionalists” LP.
2. Jabberwocky (1977)
Proof that Monty Python could not only be bad, but really really bad. The best moment? Get ready to laugh. Are you ready?
The people tracking the Jabberwocky step in a Jabberwocky patty about 30′ wide.
See? I told you it was bad.
1. Comin’ At Ya in 3-D! (1981)
Actually, this movie should be called “Rubber Bats on Wires Fly into Your Face Repeatedly.”
How truly bad is it? Your worst is rated 6.2 stars out of 10 on IMDB. This one is nearly half at 3.5.
But all of them pale when compared to, that’s right:
0. The Happening (2008)
Suicide is suspenseful when created by plants. Director Shama-lama-ding-dong calls this the best B movie ever made, but I’ll bet you $100 (Canadian) that he’s never seen Deadly Weapons. Kiss my ass, Shama-lama. I got my money back.