Ryan McNeil
Sometimes, expressing whether a film is good or bad is pretty simple. Two days ago, I was talking with a co-worker about TRANSFORMERS REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. He’d seen it, I hadn’t. I made mention of the fact that it was getting critically drubbed, but he steered the conversation very easily.
“Did you like the first one Ryan?” *Ryan nods* “Then, you’ll like this one.”
If only…
We begin with a history lesson. It seems that thousands of years ago, Transformers roamed the earth. One of them tried to betray the others, wipe out humanity and rule the robot race. He was beaten by an act of sacrifice, and banished to deep space. Fast forward to two years after the events of the first movie. The Autobots have been rolled into a highly covert military unit, and are scouring the earth trying to destroy what Decepticons remain.
It’s at this point that we catch up with young Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) and Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox). Sam’s headed off to college, so he and Megan are working on what many dating couples headed to school wrestle with – to long distance, or not to long distance. But before any of this pretty people canoodling can continue, Sam finds a sliver of the All Spark tucked in his sweatshirt. The All Spark, you may recall, was a source of great power that caused most of the robot fighting in the first film.
The discovery of this sliver sets two things in motion: It seems to wake up a whole lot of Decepticons and send them Sam’s way, and it also causes Sam to start scribbling hieroglyphics on blackboards, patches of dirt, tables, walls, and whatever flat surface he can find. After calling Mikaela to come help him, and darn near getting killed by a Decepticon who can transform into a Girls Gone Wild wannabe, The Autobots find their way to Sam and try to protect whatever ancient secret it is that’s been stuck in his head.
What is the secret? Why do The Decepticons want it? Why do The Autobots fight so hard to protect it? Why does Optimus Prime sacrifice himself to keep it safe just a little while longer? These are all good questions in the opening hour. But the final ninety minutes bring another, much bigger question – when you can blow things up really good – what do any of these questions matter?
REVENGE OF THE FALLEN is two and a half hours of pyrotechnic fetishism, wrapped around a mind-numbing amount of special effects, sprinkled with pretty people. It is an alright two hour movie that has been stretched into a silly two and a half hour movie.
For my money, two big things proved to be the movie’s undoing. The first is the death of Optimus Prime. Pardon me while I geek out for a moment, but thinking back to the cartoons I grew up with, Optimus was killed off at one point. When this happened, the Autobots had to follow a new leader which made for a few interesting new facets to their story. So, when Optimus fell early in this movie, I was intrigued…guessing that maybe, just maybe, an interesting story was about to unfold.
No such luck. By focusing the rest of the plot on trying to resurrect Optimus, they give the whole story a sense of desperation. The plot seems to take its sweet time at this point, wandering around without direction. But thinking back that makes sense – the good guys don’t really have direction, because their leader is gone. Had they anointed a new leader like that cartoon I saw oh-so long ago, the rest of the story might have had some better direction.
The plan to resurrect Optimus brings me to problem number two: a monumentally boring and painfully drawn out final showdown in Egypt. I am hard pressed to remember a less excited, less predictable, yet seemingly endless firefight in any movie I’ve ever seen. For what feels like half an hour the formula is “Robots fight-humans dies-things go boom-Megan & Shia run. Repeat”. The scene has no tension, jams three fight sequences into one and makes none of them any fun.
Cementing the scene as pure stupidity and ultimately the movie’s final undoing, is a moment where a main character appears to have been killed…and on their way to the great hereafter, they meet ancient Autobots who send the character back to the world of the living equipped with the key to win the fight. Are you kidding me!? It’s as if the writers of this movie studied the last Indiana Jones movie in preparing to write the end of this story, but wondered how they could make the idea sillier.
I’ve outgrown them to a degree, but mindless action films do have a place in the cinematic world. Once in a while, they help us to escape for an hour or two and feel like kids again by watching things go fast, things go boom, and seeing the good guys win. However, there is a world of difference between mindless (TRANSFORMERS 1) and stupid (TRANSFORMERS 2), and the difference is this – I’m paying you to entertain me, not to insult me while doing so.
So sorry dear co-worker, I had a great ‘ol time at the first one, but this movie did precious little for me.
Very nice! I appreciate your take on that sub-plot that I had not heard much about. I keep hearing about the Twins – which cemented the fact I wasn't going to see the film – but what you bring up would've indeed insulted me as well – seems like a "gimme".
Well done, Hats!
Very funny and insightful review. You're so right about lack of suspense and tension in that final battle. I'm all for popcorn flicks, but you're right – this was both boring AND condescending.
AHA!! Yes, I'd have to agree. I psyched myself up for this movie BIG TIME. Why? Of course it's because I love Shia LaBeouf and wished I had the body of Megan Fox, but whateves!!
I totally thought the samething about the little 'I'm dead and I see autobots' crappola AS IF!! They clearly watched Indy 500 (hehehe, right it is like the 5th one or something??) to get that part of the movie. Pffffffft.
Anyhoo, bravo on the review. Sadly, as much as I wanted this movie to be THE awesomest thing, like, EVER, it wasn't.
@ C Diddle… I seem to remember a half dozen cool TRANSFORMERS from my younger days. "The Twins" weren't mong them. How the hell they managed to get so much friggin' screen time is beyond me.
@ Megan… The more I think back on that final scene, the more I think a lot of people owe Steven Spielberg an apology for how much they ragged on the end of Indiana Jones 4.
@ Roxy… Glad to hear that you saw past the Shia-ness of the movie, and can sit with the rest of us who see it as a big ol mess.