The Art of Losing

#5. Keanu Reeves in BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA, 1992… Long before he would be The One, Keanu took a stab at ridding the world of a whole different kind of evil with his turn as Jonathan Harker in this Francis Ford Coppola flick. Like a proud graduate of the Kevin Costner School of Acting, Reeves didn’t even attempt an English accent. Looking back, I’m not sure what felt more uneven – watching him try to conquer Oldman’s Dracula, or watching him try to assist Hopkins’ Van Helsing. Add a silly looking mop of grey hair to the equation, and Keanu looks miscast before you can say “Johnny Mneumonic“.

#4. Beyonce Knowles in DREAMGIRLS, 2006… For every Bette Midlar (a singer who can act reasonably well), there are about a dozen Jessica Simpsons. Into that latter category, I present to you Miss B herself. The difference of course, is that Beyonce somehow got convinced that she could tackle a role that required a bit more dramatic chops than her bit in AUSTIN POWERS: GOLDMEMBER. While her co-star Jennifer Hudson brought a wide range of emotion to the part of Effie, including a great deal in the actual singing of her songs, Knowles was a one note wonder who used the same expression to convey surprise, heartbreak, confusion, anger, disappointment and loss. For a good look at that expression – take a peek at the cover of Beyonce’s last CD. Of course it didn’t help that Knowles got outsung at every turn as well. Sorry Mrs. Jay-Z, next time stick to Pink Panther remakes.

#3. Kevin Costner in ROBIN HOOD, PRINCE OF THIEVES, 1991… “I’m not only the founder of the Kevin Costner School of Acting…but I’m also a client”. Something tells me when this medieval romp hit theatres, Errol Flynn was rolling over in his grave. Sporting a wicked mullet and no trace of accent, Costner called one in but still laughed his way to the bank. As if to add insult to injury, Costner was playing against Alan Rickman who came out swinging as one bad ass Sheriff of Nottingham. Archer Extraordinaire? I don’t think Costner’s Robin Hood would win a frat house game of Quarters.

#2. Denise Richards in THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, 1999… James Bond writers can usually be counted upon for a laugh or two. This bunch of merrymakers gave us characters such as Pussy Galore, and Xena Onatopp. But by the time they got to their nineteenth entry, Bond filmmakers decided to swing for the fences of stupidity. Denise Richards was cast as a nuclear physicist named – wait for it – Christmas Jones. The inevitable puns with her name were foolish enough, but it didn’t stop there. 007 audiences usually have to suspend their disbelief, but the suspension involved here isn’t usually seen outside of a Cirque de Soleil. I wasn’t convinced Richards could spell nuclear physics…let alone understand them. Oh yeah, and that photo above is set at a nuclear plant. Just the sort of get-up most nuclear technicians are wearing these days, isn’t it?

#1. Mickey Rooney in BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S, 1961… I must protest. Mickey was cast in this movie as the landlord of Holly Golightly’s building, Mr. Yunioshi. If there is a single drop of Asian blood in Rooney’s body, I’d be stunned. What we get here is a classic movie almost entirely ruined by casting that has gone so horribly wrong, it’s tremendously racist. If the bad accent, Coke-bottle glasses, and squinting expression aren’t bad enough, Mick goes one step further and purses his lips to expose some buck teeth. The other four on this list were mostly harmless- a director or producer thought that a pretty face would sell some tickets. However, the choice to cast an oaf-ish white actor in an Asian role, and then allow him to overplay every word, makes for the worst casting choice of all time.

Did I forget one? Post a comment and tell me your choices for bad miscasting. Likewise, feel free to make suggestions for next week’s top five.