Ryan McNeil
Today’s post was inspired by something I overheard Amir Soltani say at the bar about a week ago. Unfortunately I was on the other side of the room, so I couldn’t weigh in on the conversation, but it touches on something I have thought about often lately.
Amir asked a question – he wondered if the movie geeks gathered ever had trouble keeping conversation with people away from film. The question was specifically about new people you meet, or people you only know in passing. Do you ever find yourself struggling for things to talk about when you can’t default to film? Or do you ever have trouble not geeking out about movies with any new person that drifts into your orbit?
When I think about conversation continually coming back to any one thing, I think about details that are most prevelent in a person’s life at any one moment. Anyone who has been friends with a bride-to-be knows how much wedding plans can become a constant point-of-order. I’ll never forget reuniting with my high school friends on convocation weekend (homecoming, for my American friends), and hearing all about life at their various university residences. Perhaps at the top of the list is anyone who knows new parents. From the moment that little bundle of joy comes into the world, that kid is (of course) the main topic of discussion.
Now, I’m hardly comparing any of these key life moments to one’s opinion on the latest Scorsese flick. I’m just bringing them up to get you into the headspace.
Obviously, I love to discuss film. I’ve made it a healthy quotient of my online presence. I believe there are things we can learn about people by the films they watch, and their reactions to them, and I never tire of discussing the subject and learning new things about it.
However, in my day-to-day life, I try to keep things in check. It’s bad enough that I’m known by many people as “the movie guy”. I don’t need to fan the flames of that image by constantly bringing it up. Sometimes though, it becomes hard. I might overhear a conversation at a party about a film I’ve seen and want to weigh in on, but how to I shim myself into the conversation without seeming like the hardcore film nerd? Or what about when someone starts speaking about how much they enjoyed a film I dislike? I mean, it’s nice to know they thought that THE HANGOVER 2 was funny as hell; how do I shrug it off as repetitive tripe without seeming like a pretentious dick? Maybe by not using the word “tripe”?
Hopefully, I’m not alone in this. Hopefully some of you too have specifically said to yourself “I’m not talking about movies today”. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Where it becomes key for me is when I spend time with people I don’t see often enough. I’m thinking of family and close friends that have started running in different circles if not moved clear out of town. After weeks or months – even years sometimes – passing in between cups of coffee, the last thing I want to do is drag them in to a discussion about why Jeff Nichols is underrated. I want to know what’s happening in their lives, how they are feeling about these things. In fact most of these moments I want to listen more than I want to speak.
But sometimes it’s hard not to take the bait. I’ll hear them mention something that reminds me of a scene, or a shot, or a line, and I can feel the corner of my mouth turn up with a smile.
Non-film talk with new folk can be hard; non-film talk with old friends can be even harder. When you become so passionate about something it can become ingrained into your identity. Maybe that’s why some of the biggest critics relish times they can spend discussing anything else.
Perhaps the trick is listening, and not, as one David Fincher film put it, “just waiting for our turn to talk”. Perhaps I am capable of being polite and even engaging if I make a bit of effort. It’s possible that movies have become my blue blanket, and I need to put it down once in a while and have an adult conversation.
I do hope I’m not alone. I hope that whether it’s football, or vegan diet, or parenting, or politics, that we all have these topics that we cling to…and that others out there have trouble not bringing them up.
But enough about that, let’s talk about something else.
I’ve been in a similar position to your Hangover 2 scenario during a haircut, when the barber in question discovered I was a movie nut and began quizzing me on the best film he’d seen recently – Grown Ups. I’ll shamefully hand over my movie-lover membership card for not correcting him on just how terrible that film is, but if I’d agreed, who knows what he’d have carved into the back of my head?
Right?
The problem with my conversation is that it was with extended family (who were asking me if I thought THE FAMILY looked as good as they did). How do you tell someone you’re about to have Thanksgiving Dinner with in a few weeks that they’re lusting after something that looks dumb?
I often get a subversion on this topic. I usually don’t talk about movies to people I know aren’t as into them like I am, but that doesn’t stop my mother from bringing up the subject…repeatedly (and sometimes when my siblings are around). I know she’s making an attempt (albeit a rather pitiful one) to connect with me, but she’s just trying too hard.
Yeah, it can go both ways I suppose. I remember years ago someone coming to me all excited because he’d just bought himself a blu-ray copy of THE SCORPION KING (seriously dude?).
I mean, I don’t have any problem with people talking about movies they enjoy watching over and over again. (Like The Scorpion King as an example.) But if they’re not willing to watch a movie that’s more than ten years old (or, for that matter, older than them), that’s when I realize I shouldn’t talk about movies with them.
How did we ever survive before we knew people to talk online with about these sorts of things with?
I don’t have an issue talking about things other than movies, but it’s easy to forget sometimes how different it can be when people aren’t into films. Some friends at work haven’t seen a movie in the theaters for years, so I’m not going to dig into anything beyond the latest blockbusters. It really just depends on the person. It’s refreshing (and rare) to find someone who’s into film beyond the world of the blog and a few pals. This is the same with music and other pop-culture areas too.
Of course, I could flip it around and admit that I don’t know about subjects where others are passionate. Some of my lunch friends at work are obsessed with European football, and I know very little despite enjoying the sport. So this conundrum can go both ways.
As I was thinking this post out last night, Sasha James said that for her the topic that’s hard to avoid is TV. Obviously though, you know of what I speak.
When you mention feeling left-out of subjects you don’t follow, you remind me of being a kid at the dinner table when my mother’s side of the family would gather. Since so many of them were involved in various levels of government (and things were pretty well split between left and right wingers) the arguments were legend. Of course, try being an eleven year old and keeping up with a political discussion.
TV is challenging for sure, especially with so much variety out there. Your recollection is a great example; family adds a whole different layer to the issue.
Well TV now gets the added complication of not knowing how someone is watching (live/PVR/DVD/streaming/etc)
1) I once overheard a big TIFF prgrammer do a tour for a bunch of high school kids, and in doing so he uttered the phrase ‘Murnau guy.’ I cringed a little, at first asking myself ‘Why not just say his name the way the German Expressionist gods have intended?’ Not dissing the programmer of course. I was just thinking about the perfunctory, lamentable part of being a cinephile in which we have to talk down to people for them to understand us. Somehow related to this, but….
2) Cinema is the most democratic art form as well the refuge of the beaten. This is true despite of or maybe because I have a shitty job surrounded by idiots. I had a manager who can’t spell and brushes aside the misogyny in the Twilight saga. I will never get them to watch stuff like Upstream Color and Fruitvale Station. But at the same I have coworkers who think that Showgirls is garbage while I end up defending it, remembering critics who have written books about it. So I can’t knock anyone’s taste, really.
1 – I would have politely corrected that shit. Emphasis on politely, but geez.
2 – It’s about balance, right? Listen to all the One Direction you want, but subject yourself to some Mozart every once in a while as well.
Brilliant! Thanks for expanding on that conversation.
I agree with most of your sentiments, though I think something that particularly bothers me and happens quite frequently is the inevitability of conversations about film. Like yourself, in my circle (and I was an engineering student, so my circle of school friends are wide off the other crowd I hang out with) I’m known as the movie guy and it happens every time. As soon as we’re together, it’s only a matter of time before someone asks my opinion of a film they’ve recently seen or they ask what is good in theaters to see. Knowing that my answers either don’t interest them or satisfy me, I always have this uneasiness about talking about films.
As you said, it’s easy to come off that attitude not looking like a prick, but I really don’t mean this as a slight on them. There are a HUGE array of topics many of my friends are well-versed in that I don’t know a thing about. Win some lose some. But film conversations are at once unavoidable and uncomfortable, and I have very few alternatives for them.
Thanks for giving me the idea. That first post coming away from TIFF is usually mailed-in, so being able to have this in my hip pocket was a nice score.
I know what you mean about the inevitability. I mean, I’ll sit down with friends I haven’t seen in months (if not years), and I can usually tell that they’re gonna ask me what I’ve watched. I’d rather talk about things we’re experiencing in the real world than what’s going on in a fictional world, y’know?
Maybe the answer to “being a prick” is to ease people in. Rather than pointing them towards Upstream Color, see if you can get them to look at something more middlebrow like Mud.
Holy crap. This is perfect. Now you imagine being at school, only being known as the “movie girl” (even though being Head Girl kinda shunned that this year). Teachers literally think all I think about are movies. When the principal introduced me as Head Girl to the school, he connected me immediately to movies. Yes, it’s nice, but it is also extremely annoying. Anyways, no one else I know really loves movies as much as I do. I have a friend who loves all the same action films as I do. I introduced some of my friends to films like Take Shelter and We Need to Talk About Kevin. But it’s so hard to talk about movies with them. I ramble on about them pointlessly, but I have to make sure they understand. We just did a film study on Atonement and it was so hard trying to explain Joe Wright’s body of work. It’s weird how people think I’m a genius for knowing that David Fincher directed The Social Network – whereas in the film world we can have favourite cinematographers.
While I was blogging, I had the film world and the real world. Since I stopped, I forgot about the film world (granted, I’ve been so busy). However, that’ll change when I go to uni next year to study film…I should hope there’s a lot of film lovers in there.
(And while we’re at it, I never say that I disliked such shitty movies as The Hangover 2 etc. it’s not worth it with teenagers)
“Perfect”. You flatter me Taylor.
You’re point about not admitting your hatred of HANGOVER 2 around teenagers reminds me when I was a teenager and professed that TOP GUN was my favorite film. When one of my fellow visual art students shredded it, I didn’t know how to retort.
Likewise, I know what it’s like being “The ______ Guy”. Because I was a fan of the iPod around the time they took off and knew a lot of little tricks that they were capable of, I became known around the office as “The iPod Guy”. It’s like my entire personality was tied to an elctronic gizmo the size of a deck of cards.
PS – We all miss you.
“how do I shim myself into the conversation without seeming like the hardcore film nerd”.
Good question, because it’s so easy to appear as a pompous mr know-it-all. But on the flip side, if we restrain ourselves so much in a conversation, that we are essentially “dumbing down” our own behavior, where’s the fun in that 🙂 I think a balance between the two extremes is the answer.
In regards to the other topic you bring up, how to respectfully disagree, when someone loves trash. Here’s my suggestion: You could point out a film that you liked by the same actor or director, and say you prefer their earlier work? At least then you are on the same page about the same filmmakers/actors. Just an idea.
Enjoyed reading your post.
Thanks Chris – Good to see ya again!
I’m going to remember your point about using a film I don’t like to spring towards one that I do. Might allow me to use my powers for good instead of evil.
@Ryan: You’re right, I hardly ever comment(I do read quite a lot of your stuff). I might become a more frequent commenter here, if you started commenting over on my blog. quid quo pro 🙂
Great that you could use my point about how to respectfully disagree, when someone loves trash.
You’re right – I haven’t been the greatest at leaving comments lately. Sorry about that. I’ve moved your RSS to a different part of my Feedly, so hopefully that will prod me to leave a few words more often.
Thanks for reading.
I also have these thoughts. I am trying to get away from the image of being the movie guy in my group. I mean I enjoy talking about films and I could talk about this forever, but I don’t like being viewed as the film guy. Sometimes friends ask me for recommendations and I know we don’t have the same taste so I give them some kind of ambiguous answer. I’m being a jerk here but that’s how I feel about it. That’s why I made the blog, so I can satisfy my need of releasing film related thoughts. I still talk about film with some colleagues but only with those who enjoy having these conversations, who have some kind of film knowledge and who have a taste in film similar to mine. Otherwise I feel weird and the conversation feels forced and awkward. Your article hit the right notes. Very interesting.