Modern Guilt (Top Five Guilty Pleasure Movies)

So there’s me the other night, pulling my shaggy hair out trying to come up with a top five list for this week. I’m off in la-la land…hoping a topic will come to me… trying to think of things that have happened in the world (Jamaican runners? Russian wars?). I dwell on things that I myself have been up to over the last week or two (rock concerts? engagements?). Through it all, nothing was coming to me. Zilch. Zip. Nada.

And then, yesterday morning I browsed through the work of my fellow bloggers. I felt pretty darned thick as I remembered the great lists in recent days by Gringo, Fletch, and Joseph. Then I realized I hadn’t given my two cents.

So folks, it’s time for me to come clean…

#5. EMPIRE RECORDS (1995)… You may be asking “But Hatter, how do I know if a movie is a guilty pleasure?”. If the film in question never hit theatres, and went straight to video – that’s usually a big ‘ol clue. So very dumb, but so very fun, this is a flick I could probably recite if given the chance. Matter of fact, many a time have I responded to The Buggles coming on the radio in the office with an exclamation of “Not on Rex Manning Day!” It’s so cheesily dramatic in that young angst sort of way, and so amazingly silly at the same time. Quick show of hands – anyone else have a teenage dream of working in a music store like Empire? Yeah, I thought so.

#4. REAL GENIUS (1985)…Remember back when Val Kilmer didn’t take everything so damned seriously? Remember when playing Bryan Adams at a party was a cool choice of tunes? If you don’t, then pipe down – you’re making me feel old. This movie is pretty freakin’ dumb, but the silliness of this story of a young geek trying to make his way gives me a laugh every time. The shenanigans usually give me a giggle, but it’s the one-liners that Val gets to rhyme off that truly amuse (“You’re one of the top ten minds in the country?” “Yep. One day I hope to be two of them”). Anybody know what happened to the dude who played Mitch? Someone look up the answer for me…I suddenly have a craving for popcorn.

#3. FACE / OFF (1997)… All apologies to one of my fellow bloggers who mentioned this on his list, but I just had to mention it on mine. You see, I have a soft spot in my heart for this sort of crap. Ripe, steaming, detonate the holy shit out of it, spout off a catch line or two, build the movie around an absurd defiance of logic and/or physics crap!! I actually paid to see this twice in theatres if memory serves, and spent a few years worshipping at the Action Altar of Woo. Really though, what’s not to love? You get two over-actors doing impressions of each other for over two hours. For the piece de resistance, check out the airy, backlit, sunsoaked final scene. Now that my friends, is a lifetime achievement in crap.

#2. YOUNG GUNS 2 (1990)… Cue up the opening scene and check out the horrible make-up, and even worse “old man voice” Emilio Estevez is trying to pull off. That sets the tone pretty damned well. If that doesn’t point an arrow as to what you’re in for, consider these eight words: Songs written and composed by Jon Bon Jovi. Nowadays, my taste in westerns tends to lean a bit more towards THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY…but I dare say, if not for this ten gallon’d Tiger Beat special, I might not have got into westerns in the first place. And hey, it wasn’t all bad. Check out that cast: Emilio, Kiefer, Christian Slater, Lou Diamond Phillips, a pre-CSI Will Petersen, a pre-West-Wing Brad Whitford, and even a pre Viggo Mortensen Viggo Mortensen! Just a glimpse of this one on TBS has me saying “I’ll make ya famous” for a week.

#1. TOP GUN (1986)… So another apology since I did just use this one in last week’s five. I won’t mention it again for a good long time. Promise. How much did I love this movie growing up? No shred of a lie, my high school nickname was “Maverick”. Yes, I was that geeky. (Sidebar – I actually could have filled this list with five Jerry Bruckheimer movies, but when I decided to keep it to one, I went for the granddaddy of them all). It still works wonders when I’m feeling very ’86. I pop in the DVD, think back to when The Russians were the bad guys and Tom Cruise wasn’t such a nutter. It was a big part of who I was growing up…desperately wanting to be as cool as the pilots on the screen, easily falling well short. Nowadays I see it come on TV, listen to a cocky line about being the best, watch a co-pilot die and think to myself “Geez, this is bad”…but I don’t dare change the channel.

Did I forget any? If you haven’t already created one of your own, feel free to leave a comment with some of your favorite guilty pleasures. likewise, feel free to leave a suggestion for next week’s top five.