IMMORTALS

I like to believe that I’m capable of just sitting back in a cinema and having fun. I tell myself time and again that I can hold a giant soda in one hand and a bag of popcorn the size of my head in the other, and simply be entertained. Unfortunately, my hypothesis needs research…because either I am no longer capable of just being entertained, or IMMORTALS is sillier than it is entertaining.

We begin by meeting Hyperion (Mickey Rourke). Hyperion is a Greek king who is pissed off at The Gods. He’s so pissed, that he has begun to scour the earth in search of The Epirus Bow. This weapon gives its wielder untlold power, and for Hyperion, that power would be useful in unleashing The Titans. His plan is that The Titans would then overthrow The Gods that enslaved them, and likewise wipe out humanity.

In searching for the bow, he goes after a conclave of four Oracles. He believes that The Oracles can help him find the bow – and given that they can see the future, that sounds like a pretty safe assumption. Thing is The Oracles know precisely what Hyperion is up to (must be tough trying to get something past them), and aren’t in any mood to help Hyperion. What’s more, only one of The Oracles can actually see the future – the one named Phaedra (Frida Pinto). The rest are just window-dressing an there to throw off would-be troublemakers.

While she’s in no mood to tell Hyperion, Phaedra has seen the future, and all signs point towards a slave named Thesus (Henry Cavill). Theseus is a slave when the film starts, one who has no real attachments to The Gods or anything spiritual. When his village gets word of Hyperion’s advances, they all pack up and flee. However Theseus and his fellow peasants are left behind. It is then, as Hyperion’s army begins to desecrate his village that Theseus summons his courage from within. He evolves from angsty peasant to ferocious warrior, and begins to show the first few flashes of what Phaedra saw in her vision.

Much has been made of how splendid this film looks, and the manner in which it melds practical sets with digital worlds. While I am very happy to see a director as talented as Tarsem back behind a camera after such a long absence, I’m hopeful that his next few projects allow him to stretch himself a bit more than what he accomplished in IMMORTALS. The film’s best flourishes are in the individual details – such as the character design of The Titans, the barbed wire headdress on The Minotaur, or Hyperion’s march through his legions of soldiers. However, when the camera pulls back and the landscapes are filled in, I began to feel as though I was watching a film I’d seen before. I was also disappointed to see Tarsem employ the slow-mo action shot to sell some of the action (’round these parts we call that the Zack Snyder Special). Although to his credit, he really only relied on this trick when Gods or Titans were fighting, and they should have more of an other-worldly way about their movements.

Nifty as the film looks, the story is a little wanting. Not only is Hyperion’s lust for bloodshed unclear, but so too is the logic behind how Theseus’ village is evacuated. I understand that in societies such as ancient Greece that peasants are seen as second-class citizens – but I can’t seem to bend my brain around why peasants wouldn’t be allowed to flee. Furthermore, everything in the first act leading up to the salt mine escape seems to crawl at a snail’s pace. The story combines elements of several different Greek myths, but doesn’t give any of them their due. As such, rather than these myths creating movements within a symphony, they create a greatest hits playlist.

Easily, the standout element of IMMORTALS is the performance of Henry Cavill. His performance as Theseus might not come with the gristle of similar performances by Mel Gibson or Russell Crowe, however he has both the earnestness and the pride that a slave-turned-leader requires. he holds his own in the requisite speech to rally the troops, but where he really gets to shine is in the film’s quieter conversations. You might have bought what he’s trying to sell somewhere else already, but as you listen to his pitch light by candles and campfires, darned if you aren’t thinking about ponying up for it all over again. As IMMORTALS played out, I couldn’t help but think about Cavill’s upcoming role as Superman, and I am now convinced that he was a great bit of casting.

If there’s a yan to Henry Cavill’s yin, it’s the casting of Mickey Rourke as King Hyperion. If you thought his hammy turn as Whiplash was bad, then baby, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. This mighty king mutters his lines like a New Jersey biker…that is when he isn’t eating and delivering his lines with his mouth full. He is a thick, greasy, brawler that seems like he’d be better suited to play The Minotaur than a mighty warlord bent on domination. I should mention that The Minotaur doesn’t have any lines.

Indeed, IMMORTALS is a big, loud silly film filled with big loud silly moments – and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d watched this sword-and-sandle story before. The Greeks were some of the greatest thinkers in recorded history – I shudder to think how they’d react to a film about them that allows a man to survive a tidal wave by grabbing tight to a rope. Even if they could democratically allow that (after all, they invented democracy!), there is no earthly way they’d be pleased with a story that has their soldiers fighting tooth and nail to defend their perimeter wall, all the while leaving a crucial staircase completely unguarded.

Simply put, IMMORTALS is silly, and what’s sad is that it doesn’t have to be. It could have been the next signpost in the telling of big fun epics. Instead what we’re given is a long, slow, march to one big-ass fight. It’s the sort of story where the sounds of punches landing shake the theatre walls, and every slo-mo kill seems to want to out-gore the kill that preceded. Perhaps what’s worst of all is the fact that the film seems to set itself up for a sequel.

Dear Gods of The Celluloid Wonder, I beseech thee. Do us this mercy, and spare us all from IMMORTALIERS.

Matineescore: ★ ★ out of ★ ★ ★ ★

What did you think? Please leave comments with your thoughts and reactions on IMMORTALS.