Holly Jolly Christmas

Edit: This top five was posted last year, but given that many of you weren’t reading this space back then, I figured I’d trot it out again. Thanks for reading, and Happy Holidays! – Hatter.

There are all sorts of Christmas traditions for my family. Midnight mass. Betting on how long it will take my aunt and cousin to start arguing. Cutting down the family Christmas tree. Searching for that special gift that mom has left the price tag on. Varied traditions indeed, all of them saying “Feliz Navidad” in their own special way.

As you might have guessed, there’s also the stack of festive DVDs that get dusted off every December and get played a few dozen times before being buried under a pile of bobbles and bows in a rubbermaid bin. You have your standards of course – IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, SCROOGE, and NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION. However over time, other less obvious titles start creeping into the mix. So grab your wassail and hang that mistletoe high for…

#5. LOVE ACTUALLY (2003)… No comments about the fact that a “chick flick” leads off this list thanks. This one always gets me in the spirit, if only for Bill Nighy’s bit about being an aging rocker grasping for a cheesy Christmas hit. While I think this movie went one or two story lines too far, what I do like about it telling four stories is how it can look at the effect Christmas can have on relationships of all manners. Husbands and wives, parents and children, strangers, lovers, and friends all embrace each other in their own special way in the spirit of the holiday season. A tad cheesy? Perhaps, but any film that contains the term “gay as a maypole” can’t be ALL about sentiment. Whos Down In Whoville Moment – Rowan Atkinson taking his sweet time elaborately wrapping a gift, much to Alan Rickman’s hurried dismay (“What are you going to do next – dip it in yogurt?).
#4. ELF (2003)… Easily the most traditional Christmas film on the list, but that’s a good thing. The truth is, I have a slight aversion to many modern Christmas songs and movies – for my Christmas Bonus, most of the best songs and movies were made long ago…and adding to that pantheon is a hard trick to turn. Enter Will Ferrell. What makes ELF work, is how it doesn’t try to preach or be too sarcastic for its own good. Instead, it’s the cinematic version of those star-shaped cookies covered in green sprinkles. It’s sweet, comforting, and something you can’t get enough of. In the words of my younger brother, it’s worth watching just to see Will Ferrell act like a big kid for 90 minutes. It also holds the mark of the movie that made me laugh so hard that my friends nearly abandoned me in the theatre!
Island of Misfit Toys Moment – Buddy the Elf confronting a store Santa Claus with the accusation “You sit on a throne of lies!”
#3. DIE HARD (1988)… You didn’t really think this list would be filled with wholesome stories, did you? But then again, what’s more wholesome than a man trying to get back to his family on Christmas Eve? Sure, he had to kill twelve guys to do it, but is that really so much worse than still having shopping to do on December 23rd? Along with the action of one of the best blow-em-up’s ever, you get Run DMC’s holiday wrap, a Christmas Miracle in the form of an FBI assault, and a gun concealed by festive packing tape to accompany those visions of sugarplums dancing in your head. For me, it’s really hard to properly convey ‘Peace on Earth’ without saying ‘Yippee Kai-Aye Motherfucker”.
Tiny Tim Moment – Alan Rickman, playing bad-ass Hans Gruber repeating back said “Yippee Kai-Aye…” with a thick German accent.

#2. BAD SANTA (2003)… One of the funniest holiday films ever made, and one of the least appropriate for children. Yes, I know I keep coming back to the same year. What can I say? 2003 was the 1939 of Festive Films. BAD SANTA amuses me because I get the sneaking suspicion that Billy Bob Thornton didn’t have to stretch too far for this role of Willie, the BAD SANTA in question. Well, maybe he stretched a little. Lauren Graham meanwhile checks her Lorelai at the door, playing a Kringle-fetishing bartender who moans out “FuckmeSantaFuckmeSanta…” like a pro. While the action between Santa, his elf partner Marcus, the mall manager Bob, and security guard Gin are as filthy as can be, the movie shows a lot of heart with they way Willie tries to care for a dumpling-like loser of a kid over Christmas. The movie will easily warm your heart…or turn your stomach.
Chestnuts Roasting Moment – As Santa’s beard is pulled away, he’s asked why it’s not real. His answer? “I loved a woman who wasn’t clean”.

#1. THE REF (1994)… There’s something about family dysfunction that just screams Christmas, and it doesn’t get much more dysfunctional than the Chasseur Family. Caroline and Lloyd hate each other, their son Jesse is getting kicked out of boarding school, Lloyd’s mother Rose is a shrewd, shallow parent and grandparent, and they’re all the hostages of a burglar named Gus on Christmas Eve. Despite their captive situation, they try to go on as normal to prevent suspicion, but deep seeded loathing like this makes playing it cool about as easy as untangling last year’s lights. However, as families are liken to do at Christmastime, they manage to put their problems aside and pull together, which is probably what makes this movie my favorite.
Mistletoe Moment – Dennis Leary, as Gus the criminal, addressing the amazingly overbearing mother-in-law with “Your husband ain’t dead lady, he’s hiding.”

Did I forget one? Leave a comment and tell me your choices for favorite Christmas movies. Likewise, feel free to leave suggestions for next week’s top five